“You are a terrible mother.”
It’s one thing to have someone voice this hurtful opinion straight to my face (and thankfully no one has), it’s another when I tell my own self this. It was two weeks after the pain in my back had started, sending me to my chiropractor, with questions and tears. The pain was so terrible, I couldn’t lift my son out of his crib without crying. I made an appointment straight away with our favorite chiropractor that was 45 minutes away and hard to make last-minute appointments with.
Lord, I need an appointment today. Please, let Dr. Herd be in today. Open the door for this appointment to happen.
Amazingly, there was a slot open with our chiropractor that morning who knew my husband’s body and mine from the inside out. After checking my body, adjusting, and getting an x-ray, the next week I came in, it was determined I had a vertebrae subluxation that was causing nerve interferance. Thankfully, it was something we caught in time, and with therapy, muscle stimulation, and lower-back exercises (and of course time), Dr. Herd said it was something we could get squared away.
For the first time, I understood what people with arthritis felt like. There were good days and bad days. The bad days had me feeling fatigued, in pain, and wanting to crawl in my bedroom, away from the world. I couldn’t be the best mom or wife, let alone the best me. I started withdrawing from my son if any conflict started arising—such as throwing temper tantrums when getting changed for bed. I didn’t have the heart in my to be the bad guy, to lay down the rules and discipline when I needed to—that my son needed me to.
Than suddenly Odis went into the phase of “daddy, daddy, daddy” and I became lost for words. Only daddy could make lunch for him. Only daddy could change his diaper. Only daddy could play with him. Only daddy could sit with him during cuddle time. Four days into this, and the negative thoughts started piling up.
You are a terrible mother.
Odis loves his daddy more.
You aren’t enough.
You aren’t spending enough time with your son.
Talk about crazy-out-of-control thoughts! I was in danger of slinking into a dark pit of my own making, but I remembered something that Joyce Meyer once said: “It’s okay to be human, you just can’t stay there.” Human is riding the wave of emotions and allowing it to take us everywhere and anywhere. Sure, I can’t stop the emotions from rising within me, but I also don’t have to allow it to take me down. By the authority living within me and the Spirit and power of God, I can declare His truth over my mind and thoughts. I can in-pour His promises. I can live by the Word of God and renew my mind to God’s spoken truth.
How many of us live with the shackles of condemnation and accusation wrapped around our thoughts? Wrapped around our mind? Let me be clear when I say that condemnation is absolutely different than conviction. God convicts. Satan condemns. The best that I can put it in my own words is that God will lead us to have a heart change that will help us lead a better life, a peaceful life, and a more joyful life. God is going to prompt us to change the part of us that is broken, that is separated from Him because His desire is to be close to us. John Eldredge from his book Walking With God says it so beautifully:
God has something in mind. He is deeply and personally committed to restoring humanity. Restoring you. He has a specific man or woman in mind when he made you. By bringing you back to himself through the work of Jesus Christ, he has established a relationship with you. And now, what he is up to is restoring you. He does that by shaping your life “along the same lines as the life of his Son.” By shaping you into the image of Jesus. You can be confident in this. It’s a given. Whatever else might be going on in your life, God always has his eye on your transformation.”
John Eldredge from Walking With God
These promptings, these little whispers is the Holy Spirit nudging us and convicting us with love and truth. You are not a terrible mother…but that tone of voice you used was not the most life-giving. You cannot be the best mom you possibly can whilst you allow your impatience and irritation to rule in your heart. King David lived with a mindset of being ready for whatever needed to be changed in his heart by God, as he says in Psalms:
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139:24 NIV
But Satan? He will cast condemning thoughts that lead us to feel guilty and shamed. Often, it will leave us feeling confused and insecure about who we are and who’s we are. His words will sound more like: You are a terrible mother. You are not loving your son the way he needs to be loved. He loves his daddy more and that’s why he wants dad all the time.
As I heard those condemning words ring through my mind [You aren’t enough; You are a terrible mother; Odis loves his daddy more] I had a moment when I allowed these words to swallow me in shamefulness and worthlessness. I cried. I asked myself, “What am I doing wrong?”But than my Abba, my Yeshua, broke through whispering, My Dear Child, you are beautiful and you are wonderful. You are not a terrible mother. These are words from the accuser, the condemner, the father of lies.
With gentle proddings, I was able to walk with God through this difficult season. The Holy Spirit helped me recognize the condemning words of Satan and to put him in his place: under my boot. Did my son ever get out of that “daddy phase” now that it’s been a month since the occurrence? There are times that he prefers daddy—when he’s put to bed, when he’d like his drink cup for bed—but there are also many wonderful moments that he wants his mommy as well! Seasons are wonderful because in it’s very definition, they don’t last forever.
Do you hear the father of lies ringing in your ears as well, dear child? Call Satan out! Scripture tells us in John 10:10 that: “The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. But I have come so that they may have life and have it to the full.” What in your life is Satan stealing—your security in Christ? Your capability as a mom? Your joy? Your peace? Is he killing and destroying the things in your life that would bring you peace and joy—your transformation in Christ? Your relationships? Your willingness to forgive? Your positive outlook on life?
I encourage you to allow the Spirit to nudge you in areas that you need help transforming in, to help you discern whether you are hearing the Voice of Truth or the father of lies. In-pour God’s promises from the Word and speak it over your life and your mind. Remember who’s you are, and recognize the one who wants to take you away from the Promise Keeper, Miracle Worker, and Creator of the Universe. You are not alone in this! You have a mighty helper, and his name is Jesus.
