I am surrounded by so many blessings. All around me, I see God’s fingerprints in every area of my life. Yet, even knowing and seeing God’s promises, I can’t help but feel anxiety for the future. Or also seeing the hard and imperfect things in my life and wondering where God is in all of it.
Yeah, yeah, I know—God works everything out for His good and our good. For His purpose. His promises are true. He is faithful. He is good. God will use my suffering as a living testimony that will bring hope to others in their valleys. I have heard it all. I have drilled it in my head a thousand times. It’s something that I hold on to in seasons like this.
This last time when something particularly that I longed and hoped for didn’t pan out as I expected, I threw myself before God with the ugliest tears rolling down my face. “No”, I told Him. “I’m not going to repeat that verse. I’m not going to remember your promises. I hate this. I am heartbroken, Jesus. I just want to sit in my pain and scream at you right now!”
I may sound like a heathen, but can I tell you something? God loves to hear prayers like this. He doesn’t just want the prayers that are wrapped up in little bows. He wants our ugly prayers. Our angry prayers. He doesn’t care what words we throw at Him because He sees inside our hearts. He is El Roi—the God who sees me. And He doesn’t just look at our pain and then goes back to His business. He comforts us in our pain. He weeps with us. And then He breathes life into it.
About a day or two after this episode, I came across something that breathed life into what I was experiencing. I was watching this new show on Angel Studious called A Week Away. It was about a group of teenagers that went away for a week to a Christian summer camp. One of the main characters wasn’t a believer. He was mad at God and felt abandoned by Him. He had experienced some deep scars in his childhood and didn’t understand why God would allow him to go through it. He started becoming good friends with a girl who was passionately in love with Jesus. She says something to him that was completely counter-intuitive to everything he knew and believed:
“Instead of thanking God for the good thing, I thank Him before the good thing. For the bad thing. And it feels pretty stupid at first. Eventually, you know, thank you God that I have a black eye turns into thank you God that I’m never going to give my kid a black eye.”
She talks about thanking God for all the bad things that have happened and are happening—all the hell she went through. He in turn says, “What, so you just thank God for the hell of it? I don’t know how to do that.” And then she sings a beautiful song with him:
The Hell Of It by Antonio Cipriano & Cozi Zuehlsdorff 1
(Feel free to click on the link above to listen to the full song)
This seemed backwards in my mind, but I began to create my own song of things I was thankful for, even in their broken and imperfect state. Thank you, God, that I’m anxious. Thank you, God, that I’m broken. Thank you, God, for a marriage that hung on by a thread. Thank you, God, that I’m thirsty. Thank you that every broken path led me to you. Thank you, God, for dreams that haven’t come to pass. Thank you, God, for a house we can’t afford. Thank you, God, for every closed door. Thank you, God, that sometimes I miss my dad so much it hurts…
Somehow, as I let my pain run down my cheeks, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. As I praised God for the hard, for the impossible, and the unbearable, I felt His Presence touch the recesses of my heart and soul. It was hard for me to speak these things out loud, but I experienced freedom through it.
Thank you, God, for the mess. Thank you, God, for the weight upon my shoulders. Thank you, God, that I’m tired and overwhelmed. Thank you, God, for your grace. Thank you, God, for your mercy. Thank you that this hardship is bringing me to my knees…
If this is you, I encourage you to write your own “I Thank God For The Hell Of It” song. God doesn’t want us to hide from our pain and to never talk about it or experience it. He doesn’t want us drudging around with heavy rocks of disappointment strapped to our backs. When we dare step into the hurt and unmet desires, we begin to release and let go. We experience His grace and mercy in it and through it. We can discover what Horatio Gates Spafford did in the aftermath of losing all four of his daughters in the shipwreck of 1873: that it is well with our soul.
When peace like a river attendenth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come
Let this blest assurance control
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And hath shed his own blood for my soul
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, o my soul!
~Horatio G. Spafford
References
- Angel Clips. (2025, September 15). The Hell Of It – (Official Song) – A Week Away: The Series (2025) [Video]. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFyZmEceI0c
