Have you ever felt like you’re too much? Too much to handle; too emotional; too complicated for the common person to understand? Too crazy and outgoing? Too funny and silly? Too unattractive? Too weak? Too shy? Too logical? Too trusting?
I have been there and have felt it on both sides. I have insensitively labeled people and thought, “Why are they acting like that? They need to calm down,” and have felt annoyed and irritated by certain people’s loud type-a personalities and poignant over-stimulating attributes. In one of my unproud moments, I told a friend “You make it really hard to be around you, sometimes.” And not so lovingly, may I add.
But I have also felt like too much…too childlike, too quiet and introverted, too emotional, too verbally inadequate. I have found the qualities that make me the unique person I am are the ones I often feel the most discouraged about. These are the places where I hear the devil whisper lies that I need to change into something the world would be more accepting of.
You need to talk more so people don’t think that you’re being standoffish.
You need to stay strong, strong girls don’t cry.
You need to become more “worldly” so that people don’t think you’re naive and ditzy. You want people to like you.
People can’t handle your joy, it’s too weird. You need to tone it down so that they don’t feel uncomfortable.
In all of my “too-much”-ness, what I actually feel is that I’m not enough.
Growing up, I never felt like I was enough. I wasn’t enough for my birth mom who abandoned my sister and me. I was too much to handle for my poor adoptive parents who didn’t know what they were in for when they brought me in. I never felt like I was enough for my dad, and instead of going the route of perfection, I went the other way—rebellion, dishonesty, and disrespect toward my family. As I grew out of my adolescent years and into my teenagehood, I began to close in on myself. I built walls around my heart as a way to protect myself from the cold, harsh world of rejection and pain.
In high school, I so badly wanted to be that outgoing, hilarious, hair-perfectly-in-place girl I was always reading about. She knew exactly what to say and when to say it. She could have wonderful and intelligent conversations with anyone, new or old. And oh, was she witty! She could throw out funny comments, original ones as if she had a lifetime of them stored in her back pocket.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t be that girl. At least, in my eyes. I would stumble and trip over my words. I froze, like a deer in headlights, when I had to make a presentation in front of the class. And if I was in a room full of new people I didn’t know, forget it! My anxiety would kick into overdrive—so I would whip out one of the five books I always carried with me and get lost in a world full of people I felt comfortable and at home with.
I remember a turning point when I realized I wasn’t crazy or abnormal, just different.
I was sitting in the car after we attended a new church. I was overwhelmed, trembling from head to foot. I felt hot and frigid at the same time. I was on the verge of tears. My husband knew a lot of people there and wanted to introduce me to his friends. I didn’t know why, but I felt like my head was going to implode midway through the introductions. It started out so great…we were laughing and talking (well, I was a bit quiet) but I felt fine in the beginning. But as the conversation prolonged, the more my insides began to freeze up. I literally felt as though I was trapped in some scary cell and would never get out. I felt as if the walls were closing in on me and I began to breathe heavier. I had thought that if I didn’t leave at that very moment, I would suffocate.
My husband started picking up on my feelings. We politely said our goodbyes and left to go to the car. As soon as the doors closed, the tears began to flow. I had no idea why I was feeling this way. I was not new to this because it had happened multiple times before. But I sat there, hating it and wondering what was wrong with me. How could my husband be laughing and having a good time and I couldn’t find it in me to stay calm and enjoy myself? I prayed to God and pleaded with Him—Why, Lord? Why am I like this?
Little did I know, nothing was wrong with me. I made this discovery soon after while reading “Fierce-hearted” by Holly Gerth, who revolutionized my thinking:
“It would not be until college that I would begin to see the fuller picture. I remember sitting cross-legged on the worn gray carpet of a campus ministry building and hearing the word introvert for the first time. I realized, with a rush of shock and relief, I’m not the only one. Susan Cain, author of Quiet, describes my tribe this way:
Fierce-hearted by Holly Gerth
‘Introverts…may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after awhile wish they were home in their pajamas. They prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family. They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. They tend to dislike conflict. Many have a horror of small talk, but enjoy deep discussions.’
Holly than continues in her book: “Lots of introverts (like me) also have highly sensitive nervous systems. I often explain it this way. Our nervous systems are always active. They work a bit like fisherwomen’s nets to capture what is going on in and around us. Some of our nets have big holes, but the sensitive sort have tiny holes. This means that sensitive nets catch everything—the smallest naunces in expression and emotions, all the words in a-bit-too-loud music in a restaurant, the unspoken dynamics of every relationship in the group. And because of this, nets like mine get full quite quickly…at some point I needed silence and solitude for my nervous system to process all that stimulation (aka “empty my net”) before I could comfortably take in more.”
I recall this moment so clearly. “Yes! This is me. This is me!” I laughed and cried at the same time. This was the first time I heard someone so distinctly describe what I never could put into words. Yes, this was my tribe—my introverted-highly-sensitive-fear-of-being-invited-and-lover-of-deep-conversation-tribe. Sitting alone at home in my pajamas and enjoying it isn’t weird—it’s just me!
The Lord has done a lot of work in me since that long-ago-revolutionary-evening (I think it’s been about six years since I made this discovery). Since then, I have learned how to balance out social activities with recharge time. As my love for Jesus grows deeper and fuller and wider, so does my love of connecting with people. I wouldn’t say I’m a super outgoing, strike-up-a-conversation-with-anyone-I-see person, but I’m learning how to be confident in my own skin. I’m identifying the benefits of the personality the Lord has blessed me with, and instead of trying to change it or hide from it, I’m embracing it! I understand where my limits are, aka when I need to “empty my net”, but also tuning in to where the Lord wants to lead me. I’m embracing the call of my Savior as He guides me into those uncomfortable places that I never would have dreamed of going six years ago (and frankly, would have been absolutely terrified of)!
We are beautifully complicated—introverts, extroverts, and omnoverts alike. We all have those traits we sometimes wonder are “too-much” for other people or “not-enough”. Here’s the truth: We are never too much or not enough in Jesus. This truth has renewed my thinking and my perception: Jesus is enough for me, and by the grace lavished on us through Him, I am enough for Him.
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christs’ power may rest on me.” ~2 Corinthians 12:9
I love this quote by Sharon Jaynes in one of her posts on Proverbs 31 Ministries:
When we say, "I'm not strong enough", God says, "I AM." When we say, "I'm not smart enough," God says, "I AM." When we say, "I'm not good enough, "God says, "I AM." Once we let go of the lies that we're not enough...and take hold of the truth that we're more than enough because of Jesus' presence and power in us...then we'll be set free from paralyzing insecurity and on our way to experiencing courageous confidence to do everything He has called us to do.When You Feel You’re Not Enough by Sharon Jaynes
Wow. Both hands up for courageous confidence!
So whether you’re introverted (like me) or extraverted and feel energized by being with and around people, understand this: In God’s Kingdom, there’s you and there’s me: Perfectly designed for the call He’s placed on our lives. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. We are intricate and beautifully complicated. We are a glorious masterpiece created by God Himself, who doesn’t make mistakes.
And just to add a cherry on top of the hot-fudge sundae that I may or may not be craving right now, here’s a little bonus for you: In all of my perceived “inadequacies”, each one of them has contributed to the person I am today and the purpose He has placed on my heart: Bringing the hope and encouragement of Christ to others. My enjoyment in recharging alone has brought me a passion for writing. I may never become eloquent verbally, but God has provided me with a gift in the written word.
This is the God we serve! God turns what we perceive as our greatest inadequacy into our greatest strength.
Dear ones, you are not too much or not enough, you are just enough. Because of Jesus’ sacrifice and His amazing power in us, we are all lavished with His perfect grace and perfect love. Because of Him, we lack nothing. “The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing” (Psalm 23:1).
Hold on to this truth, friends! I’m holding on with you.
